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Canucks, Hockey, Sports

Sticks, stones and words: how the Canucks can get the mental edge on the Blackhawks

They're real, and they're spectactular.

The last time Canucks met the hated Chicago Blackhawks, our friends over at Canucks Army called on the team to target Jonathan Toews’ recently healed hand injury in order to gain a competitive advantage. Many across the blogosphere thought this went too far. Here at Smug Nation, however, we wonder whether it went far enough. Why reserve the special boo-boo-targeting treatment to just one player? And while we’re not too sure if we want to go as far as advocating adding injury to injury (or at least telling you that we advocate it), we think the classic insult-upon-injury stack is one the Canucks should liberally employ in this evening’s matchup. And besides, who are the Blackhawks to complain? (Except, y’know, Brendan Morrison).

The first object of infirm ridicule should be none other than Duncan “Teeth” Keith, who lost more ivories than this piano in Game 4 of the 2010 Western Conference finals. Who better to rub in Duncan’s dental deficiency than David “Toothsome” Booth, he of the 200-watt grin? Hey Keith: They’re real, and they’re spectacular!


You done with that?

Ray Emery’s story of courage, redemption, and triumph over adversity truly warms the heart, which is connected to the rib-bone, which is connected to the backbone, which is connected to the hipbone, which in Ray Emery’s case is actually his erstwhile right fibula. Emery can’t watch the opening sequence of 2001: A Space Odyssey without thinking about that perfectly good Tapir leg-bone going to waste. So let’s make him watch it! We recommend a special Stanley Kubrik memorial ceremony before the game, complete with movie clips on the jumbotron and 18,000+ fans humming Thus Spake Zarathustra.  We’d also love to see a Canuck “open the pod bay doors” before slotting it home five-hole.

There’s only one kind of funny car accident: it’s a single-vehicle fender-bender with no injuries and no damage other than a dinged-up-murdered-out Benz owned by a millionaire. We at Smug Nation would like to thank Jonathan Toews for obliging us with such a pitch-perfect prang. Word is, Captain Serious found the ordeal so humorous he actually injured himself slapping his knee, hence the ambulance ride. Now unfortunately, Toews won’t be suiting up against the Canucks due to an unrelated and unfunny concussion, but that’s no reason to exclude him from the psychological warfare. The Canucks should leave some copies of the Illinois rules of the road around the press box. With any luck, they’ll later be discovered torn up in a vicious rage.

My friends call me Dave.

Remember that one time Dave Bolland fell off Big Ben in his showdown with Basil of Baker Street? That was hilare.

The best-before date on Patrick Kane cab driver jokes is long past, and a gander into the carton reveals curds and a sour smell, besides which Kane was not the injured party. So how best to mock the Windy City’s diminutive Superman? We’re drawing a blank. Nothing for it but a good old-fashioned slash-on-the-surgically-repaired wrist. Oh, and leave a pair of fuzzy dice on the dressing room mirror.

What is it with Blackhawks and wrist injuries? Like Toews and Kane before him, Patrick Sharp went down with one in January. The Canucks should consider wearing wrist-strong bracelets in solidarity.

Well, there you have it. A few of these mild zingers and the Hawks should have no business being in this game.  In fact, we expect the psychological trauma of this gentle ribbing to result in many of the Blackhawks stars rocking back and forth in the corners, repeating “my mind is going” and singing Daisy.  It’s the only route to victory, besides offensive production, defensive structure and solid goaltending.

Ed. note.: Mocking Blackhawks’ injuries does not always turn out well.  Your mileage may vary.

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About aidanbc

Aidan has been a Canucks fan for (just) over 20 years. It was a 11-0 Vancouver victory over the trashy Calgary Flames on March 1, 1992 that made him realize this was the team for him. When not yelling at Henrik to shoot, Aidan can be found completing his graduate studies in Advanced Bureaucratic Red Tape and Pencil-Sharpening.


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