by Tyler Rowe
The Vancouver Canucks last six games have been against Nashville, Calgary, Edmonton twice, Colorado and Phoenix, and these contests have been good to their division championship ambitions. Despite some lackluster efforts in those six games, the ‘Nucks have managed a 5-1 record, posting 20 goals for and 8 against over that span including two Cory Schneider shutouts. But Nashville, Calgary, Edmonton, Colorado and Phoenix aren’t going to the playoffs and none of those sides have been very good this year. None of them are particularly real (pronounced “rahl”). Because hockey isn’t American football, there isn’t really much enthusiasm to be accumulated from rolling over a slate of bad teams. If I had to give these aforementioned teams a REALNESS RATING out of 10, where 1 is Justin Bieber rapping and 10 is a verse from Ghostface Killah, only Edmonton and Phoenix would even crest a 5 (lets say Azealia Banks for Phoenix).
In the coming and final six contests of the season Vancouver plays some pretty good teams. The remainder of the schedule looks like this with REALNESS RATING attached:
Tonight @ St. Louis (7th in West, 48 points, REALNESS RATING: 7.5 – post kids-movie Ice Cube. Still real, but not as real as they should be)
Thursday, Apr. 18 @ Dallas (10th in West, 45 points, RR: 6.0 – Swollen Members. A bit real, but only in context of their surroundings)
Saturday, Apr. 20 vs Detroit (8th in West, 47 points, RR: 6.5 – Gift of Gab when he’s not with Blackalicious. Way more real with a great producer working the back end)
Monday, Apr. 22 vs Chicago (1st in West, 70 points, RR: 9.5 – Killer Mike with El-P. Undeniably real and super hot right now)
Thursday, Apr. 25 vs Anaheim (2nd in West, 59 points, RR: 8.5 – Kendrick Lamar. Seem very real, but I need to see more to confirm my suspicions. Could turn out to be not at all real)
Saturday, Apr. 27 @ Edmonton (12th in West, 39 points, RR: 5.5 – LL Cool J. Used to be really-real for a long time, is trying to be real again. Points both added and deducted for association with The Monstars – Hit ‘Em High)
For the Vancouver Canucks, that means their opponents from now until the playoffs sport an average realness rating of 7.25 (dead-sober Curren$y), or that of your typical 1st round opponent. Of course the Vancouver Canucks themselves have a Realness scale ceiling of 11 (Notorious B.I.G. on Gimme the Loot), but that reality can only be achieved if they’re firing on all rylinders.
By now, you may be asking yourself, “Tyler, are you for real?” Yes, Smuglies, yes I am. And over the course of the final six games of the season, we’ll have a better idea if the Canucks are too.